Categoria: white paper

Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas and happy new year.

dicembre 26th, 2022

Hello,

how are you?

I would love to know, really. I would love to talk to you again without problems. But by now I know how utopian that is.

In my opinion you have also stopped reading what I write, I feel freer. Yes. after all, that last fight served both of us. Have you seen? Just get pissed in a definitive way to close and feel better, free.

You seem to be better off than me, as much as I see you in the photos, I see you very little now. I see you smiling, you look better than me,

but if I have my say, I must say that I’m happy, yesterday I saw you in another video, laughing happily, celebrating your birthday. Can I have my say? Will you allow me a second?

I must say that for the first time in a long time I was pleased to see you smile, before I felt a weight on my heart, now I don’t. And it was beautiful, you know?

Then I also wanted to tell you that even if I think of you, I no longer feel that pain, or that “desire”. Yes, if I’m allowed to be direct and sincere, I’ve stopped wanting you even in the most physical sense.

I hope no one is shocked when I say well.

I masturbate differently.

What to say? I always thought you were so beautiful, and as a lover, I liked to imagine making love with you, right?

Crazy stuff, I know, I know. If you’d ever gotten to this point, you might already have found the perfect “excuse” to quit. To think again that I have psychological problems.

I actually had them, I’ve had them for a long time.

You seem to be better off than me.

But you see, seeing you happy did my heart good, and it’s nice to be happy for people who at least seem happy.

And happiness is the best birthday present anyone can have,

I have been celebrating it for a long time, I feel worse and worse,

because I had to start working on myself, to find my freedom, my self-esteem, my autonomy.

It was difficult, it was tiring. Because I thought I really made you suffer, I started walking, I cried, I felt so much pain.

Something no one will ever know, not even you.

Even today if they mention the Radio to me, my heart takes a somersault, I pretend to joke about it but the truth is that being ironic about suffering always brings you that sense of bewilderment,

because it’s like laughing when you’re hurt, you do it while feeling pain.

You suffer a little, in happiness, because we know that life always gives us a good hit, and a bad one, it’s balance.

At least I think so, who now talk to people who have suffered like me, who seem to understand me, who know how to listen to me,

now I no longer want to go out with those I confided in before, now that after having stopped feeling bad, I realize that I was talking to people who didn’t understand, who also contributed to my suffering, after all.

I think I’ll go out less these parties, as I’m already doing. The others seem to enjoy wandering around these clubs forever, drinking.

I am tired, also because I no longer hear speeches that enrich me.

What the fuck did I do Ste? I’ve been talking to the wrong people for a long time, but in the end it wasn’t even easy to figure it out, now that I finally understand who I am, now that I finally understand what to do, my true nature.

Ste, I’m finally myself, and it’s as if I wasn’t before, not even when I was fond of you. But where is the truth? Perhaps it was a me who succeeded, the one today has so much difficulty doing it,

After all, how do you fall in love? It seems that I have somewhat forgotten it, by dint of being without it.

I wanted you to come back just to remind myself of having that feeling, which now feels so… barren.

But now I think differently, you know, I wanted to at least try to think of you as a friend, and I succeeded. So, you know, if the miracle ever happens that we talk to each other again, I could be your friend without any double purpose, let’s say. Although, well, even before I would say that it was so, even if only in part.

But you see, the fact that today I manage to be so happy for you smiling is already a sign for me, yes, that I love someone without having to be with you, as I do with many friendships that never happen to me again. to see, or in any case less than in the past.

Like the ones in Bologna, you know.

I still daydream about that city,

you seem to feel so comfortable here, in this city that I hate, where, however, once upon a time, I thought that if I had been with you, I would have gladly stayed.

You seem to be better than me,

it almost seems that you just need to block those who annoy you to move forward, it seems that you have forgotten me by now, shelved me, and you did well, so it must be done, I agree.

So I too went a little further, trudging, weaker and weaker, knowing my sufferings better and better than even if I wrote and described them millions of times in millions of different ways… whoever listens to them still wouldn’t understand them well, only I can to do it.

And I can’t forget you, after all it was the strongest experience, now, thanks to you I have conquered myself, you gave me the most important thing in life,

I don’t think I will ever be able to tell you live, even if the miracle happens, we will leave our past behind…

but thank you, Stef, from the bottom of my heart.

So happy birthday, best wishes, from the bottom of my heart.

You seem to be better off than me, I hope you really are, I hope you’re not in the middle of balls, I hope no one else makes you suffer, I know that to avoid doing it, by now, you “only” have to pay attention to who you hang out with.
Hope’s death.

ottobre 23rd, 2022

“Hope is the last to die”, an ancient proverb, now left behind.

It is thought that this type of thinking is the best way to move forward: “as long as there is life there is hope”, giving this feeling, perhaps the most human of all, a 100% reliable, almost immortal connotation.

Have you ever felt this feeling of yours die?

I think he might not be the last to do it, in truth. But surely when it happens, well …

First of all you realize that it is not immortal and it is not impossible for it to end, but this seems to be so logical that it is almost taken for granted.

When it happens, stop believing it, stop thinking about eventualities that in the end you know will never happen.

No, people don’t come back, they don’t think, they don’t change their opinion.

There is no hope that some will change. Life experience has taught that when someone goes away, he goes away. It will stay away for life, and thinking it can return to being part of it is something that is on the edge of rationality.

Too many circumstances would have to be “activated” to make that hope and eventuality happen.

It would be to place expectations and hopes on people who do not think, or do not do it well enough, about the circumstances, since many like to think they are right, never questioning themselves, never going out of their own way.

And then with the passage of time you realize that hope is nothing but an illusion, after all.

There is really no way that one resumes speaking peacefully, reconnecting friendships, after disputes, misunderstandings and heavy misunderstandings.

And then, even if it happens, you have to ask yourself if you are dealing with people who are willing to forget the past and who will not bring it out in the next quarrels.

We argue, but there are those who go in monologue, and see only themselves, in short.

Hope dies, and when it does, it is also the death of the heart and of love, and of all those things that could have hoped for it.

All that remains is to collect the pieces of what has broken, not to reassemble something, but to understand.

This is how one becomes more indifferent, cynical, and alas, it is even more difficult to have the desire to look for love or something like that somewhere.

In the end in these moments I find myself sitting by the bonfire inside of me, sitting next to the version of myself that is tired, really a lot.

You don’t want to fight anymore, you don’t want to hope anymore.

And he feels distant, that feeling, so much that it is now unattainable.

Hope dies, and when it does, its absence is very much felt.

Nobody comes back, nobody will understand. And maybe one day we will understand how much better it was like this, how much it is to grow, and be able to move forward, more than many people we know, and especially those who have left, are able to do.

I would say that the doors are always open, but they are like this in a kingdom that is now extinct, to tell the truth.

I’m wondering if anyone comes back, what am I supposed to tell them now, now that that fire is now extinguished?
We are our disease and our medicine.

settembre 16th, 2022

Now I think it’s time to say things differently, it’s not always easy to rationalize, in the long run, however, you do it, at least that’s what I do.

Because? The reason is quickly explained: I never believe that I am right or wrong in its entirety, I have to learn, I have to understand why some things happen.

For example, I understand that my fixation / obsession with a person was not caused by him in himself, but by something previous.

Before I met the last one, I still had another in mind, in fact, it was almost over. However, the “new” only replaced the previous one, but the truth is that I had not properly treated the previous “disease”.

This is why I again had mechanisms, alas, partly also involuntary, which made me behave in similar ways, without my noticing it, I assumed that since I no longer thought about the person “from before”, I was out of danger .

But I was wrong. Because a disease has to be cured with medicines and I thought it would go away by itself, but sometimes, in that case, you don’t completely solve it.

In this period, I have quite intense otitis, for example. I had turned to two doctors who replaced mine, who thought I only had ear wax, but in reality there was an infection.

And if I hadn’t gone to get a cleaning of the earwax plug, and had continued to take the drops said by the two amateurs, I would have continued to feel bad, the young ENT there caught my infection and told me what to take, and now I’m a little better.

It was one of the worst pains I’ve ever experienced, but you see, if I hadn’t thought about it, I wouldn’t be on the path to healing now.

And before now I had not realized that the treatment was not exactly what I imagined: of course, the best thing to do, and I am deeply convinced, would be to rebuild a relationship, to forgive each other, to make peace, after the arguments, but this I guess it’s secondary to looking inward.

If we are our disease, we can become our cure, our medicine.

So if you realize that you are continuing to think about the same thing, despite the rationalizations, if you realize that you are continuing to give importance to the things that do not deserve them … it is something that starts with you.

And it is part of t and, consequently.

And what’s the cure? Did you think it was finding a way to talk to who you had a fight with? Well, yes, too bad they don’t allow it.

So what? There is nothing left to do but search within, and knowing that you must and can move forward using the lessons learned, you can become a better person.

And I only have one certainty, that now I could really build a relationship with who I have quarreled, as I know it will, most likely, never happen.

But now I have the tools, now I feel like I am becoming more “myself” than ever. And I understand that I am much more rational than I have ever been before, other than she is a “Very rational”. It was easy to think of it in a moment of emotional fragility, but now well, I think I win in the long run.

There is no rationality if people do not think objectively, if they do not analyze, if they exclude you, they get angry and throw you out of their life, without even hearing yours, without giving you the opportunity to defend yourself.

There is no rationality, because, quite simply, there is no reason and obviously, one thing cannot exclude another.

In my opinion, I do not see any rationality, but a different form of bullying, discrediting, in fact, my opinions and thoughts, thinking that they are just bullshit.

Because they disagreed or thought there was no specific “reason” to behave in a way, they not only told me I was badly wrong, but they also discredited my thoughts and feelings, as if they were nothing .

For them, that’s for sure, but well, I see no difference between them and a bunch of bullies who make fun of me, and maybe even kick me afterwards.

Verbal violence, endowed with a brutality equal to the physical one.

And with all the responsibility and awareness of being wrong that I take. huh. But I have already said in numerous other places that I am sorry and I am sorry, I am aware of my mistakes.

In short, I have played the role of the outcast for the umpteenth time in my life, maybe I should stop trying to stop being one and take on this role once and for all.

And well, basically I told myself that there is nothing better than doing things for me, like, in fact, heal myself, forgive … many years ago I hadn’t thought in the slightest about getting better, looking for a cure, now I’m finally doing it doing.

Who knows, if now … then, will it be different? AHAHAHAH … But a little peace is found, I would also like a different reward from the one I found from myself.

Categoria: white paper

Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas and happy new year.

Hope’s death.

We are our disease and our medicine.