It doesn’t happen often to say it, to hear it said, and above all to affirm it to oneself.
I thought different things, certainties that collapsed, or at least, so I thought they were.
In the end they were just illusions that didn’t have such a solid foundation.
How is maturity measured? Of course not. I have heard that some are “more mature” than others, especially they are affected if he is a younger person.
But there is no real “more or less”, a “Higher” and “Lower” and when humanity begins to understand this, it will truly be a better world.
There is only the DIFFERENT, the characters and personalities and characteristics.
Perhaps the younger boy who seems more “mature” to us is simply more rational. On the other hand then we have perhaps a person who has not yet learned to reason. Then the limits on both sides. The younger boy won’t listen too much to emotion, and the younger boy will listen too much.
They are two people who have limits, there is no superiority or inferiority. And I thought there was I was wrong for a long time.
Just as I was wrong to think that people should change and mature in a certain way, and make certain choices accordingly.
I said that some women would change, grow and mature after we, from the outside, saw them and believed them to be immature or childish.
But who tells me, who tells us that in reality they have really matured in their own way? The choices they have made are not “in our favor”, that is, they do not become “better” and they try to forgive, to redeem themselves, to close the past.
Nothing is guaranteed.
Who can ever tell us that things will have the “right conclusion”? in reality everything goes into oblivion as soon as something ceases to be interesting.
In the end no one gives a shit anymore, I was forgotten, shall we say, as soon as I stepped away from the spotlight.
I was wrong, because I believed that other people have a desire to become better, like me. but many people don’t want that, instead preferring the older, younger version of themselves, when they thought they were better off, but they only see the positive.
But do we really change, do we mature? Maybe we always stay the same. The only thing that really changes, perhaps, is learning not to repeat mistakes.
For some time I have believed that every year that begins has the legacy of the past year.
Started one way and ended up another, totally different and it wasn’t the first time. Maybe I should be happy after all: happy because different things always happen, these “years” end and begin differently.
I could start from the various events: at the beginning of the year I went out with a friend and others who then, by now, have totally disappeared from my life, practically.
And I have no trouble admitting that for many of them I don’t feel sorry and I don’t miss them. I don’t think I bonded in the “right way”, so to speak, although I believe that many of them are certainly good people and it was a pleasure to meet them, but now that I think about it (and not only NOW), I actually noticed how little I had to do with them.
And furthermore, I noticed that that unconditional friendship hadn’t been created, or rather: too much conditioned by factors: a person who was the main one, in the end had started to point out my flaws too much, and in fact, it all worked out slowly roll.
The moment the argument ensued, I took it upon myself, I tried to clarify, but nothing: I noticed how some people prefer the convenient shortcut of taking it out on others, without looking inside themselves, without analyzing themselves, without knowing each other,
I learned that someone might be afraid to do it, so much so that they become extremely false, with masks, they talk, they go out, but they are never themselves, they are the character they have chosen.
And now I realize how wrong I was to be in those situations.
I realized that I have to avoid any toxic situation, that I have to be more detached and “cynical”, having to consider people as “acquaintances” – potential friends – friends – and REAL friends.
I no longer feel like going to Lamezia and clubs, places and situations where I feel bad.
After getting drunk at a friend’s birthday and right now I’m still feeling unhinged, I realize I don’t want to do it anymore, I’m tired: if I go out I really have to do LITTLE without feeling bad.
Of course, it hasn’t happened in a while but even that one time a year is becoming too much.
Or rather, once a month.
It will have to become once a year.
I realized that if you don’t love yourself, even a little bit, you can’t love others, that the people I really love are the ones who made me feel better about myself.
And this has often happened with the people we do theater with.
I especially thank you here.
If I had to tell you the best moment of 2022…
It all seemed like a program: it stuck with me. We go to Ferrara at the end of July, with friends, on the plane I meet Alberto, an ex-roommate. I hadn’t seen him for ten years.
Bizarre, because ten years ago I decided to go to Bologna for the first time, so now it’s been officially ten years that I “stay” in Bologna even if it’s not really like that, but with my head and above all my heart, and the most essential things, Yes.
Then I found out about a live show in Pesaro, where Murubutu, Claver Gold… the Dead Poets were there.
, but above all Moder, an artist to whom I felt so attached, that I feel like him, maybe, I don’t know. But the more time passes, the more I understand them, adults.
By now I’m part of them, it must be said, I didn’t escape into adolescence, I.
It was an adventure, first Pesaro, then Bosconegro in Morciano, a crazy adventure, lived thanks to Matteo.
There I meet Murubutu and Moder who come and sit where I was having my solitary meal, for me it was like seeing rock stars. I get the record signed by Moder and in short, it was a really good time.
I remember that at the first song that plays live, “Viale Roma”, I went to the bathroom, I run away with my belt unfastened to listen to it and film it.
And so the live goes on, fantastic, with everyone: Sace, Wiser keegan, Sgravo, Dj Fastcut… with some of them I have long chats, a beer, friendship…
Thanks also to the guy from Udine who gave me the lift back to Pesaro, where I go back, and I go crazy to find the b & b, and I go for a night dip in the Adriatic, and then I sleep maybe very little, but I get up for get away from there asap and go back to Bolo.
And I thank Ross, I thank Mike, I thank Binju for supporting me, for giving me the opportunity for a week to walk this year, in the city I love, and where I want to return as soon as possible in 2023.
This is my only “good resolution”, the rest doesn’t matter, there’s no need to do it at the beginning of the year, I learned long ago that life is variable, or at least, mine. Everything changes so much, so unexpectedly…
So you never need to do these things, but go ahead with an idea.
Then another good experience always linked to rap, when I went with Giovanni and Adele to listen to Kento, thanks to you too, guys.
Sure maybe
if I could have gone alone, if only I had a driving license, but do you want to put sharing?
I didn’t go to sleep, you mean, I enjoyed the peace of the mountains, the heat, the noise, life.
I was finally fine.
And then I was disappointed by the fact of not being able to graduate in the specialist this year, I will have to wait for June, but perhaps they are “signs”? meh.
I’ve decided to stop being “good” or “polite”, I’ve seen that many people don’t deserve it, I decide to ignore people, their desire to feel important, I don’t give a damn about many, and so much about a few.
I went back to doing the lab, we did the show, and it’s weird in this case, isn’t it? More things are shared by doing theater than sitting in a bar for hours, drinking.
There is no need to confide your own affairs, to make yourself known or known to others, I have always done it in my acquaintances, as a kind of “test”, but now…
Now I hardly say anything to anyone about how I really feel, if I happen to have a crush, because unfortunately I have seen how many people can fall into the trap of thinking that there is someone “strong” or “weak”, and that only the first survives, therefore… think as if we were still in the primitive age.
But there is none of it true.
And therefore, people take advantage of weaknesses, better not to expose them, if not to themselves.
In February I had covid, high fever, phlegm, sore throat, etc.
In February “Goodbye, see you tomorrow” was also released. Don Diegoh album in which I felt mirrored,
music, my companion, as always,
my guide,
that helps me navigate,
in this life.
Musically, a scary year: Don Diegoh, Rancore, Murubutu, Easy One, the great return of Kaos, Clementino, Wiser Keegan, Ernia, Mezzosangue, Wiser Keegan, Claver Gold.
Great stuff.
Goodbye, see you tomorrow, 2022.
I should say these things, this title from Don Diegoh’s album, which is a paradox…
And now I realize it’s been a bit of a crazy year, but… it’s given so much.
By now I’ve decided to go out less, and to drink even less, I’m starting to feel the consequences on my body that I didn’t feel before, I want to get better, I want to do my best and…
And also stop seeing people with whom by now I understand that I share little, I close doors, indeed, I open them, I don’t say goodbye but I realize that many things are destined to deteriorate, I am a different person, from culture, from theatre, from reading… not for tamarrate, and also for drinking.
I’ve always been like this, but I’ve been fooling myself for too long.
Ten years, if we want to be honest.
I want to end with a thought:
some time ago, I happened to meet a “new woman”, to try something again, after the last time it happened with was Stefania, well yes, I write her name, by now I don’t think she cares anymore about so, rightly so.
What the fuck do you want him to care about me after all?
I’m more and more alone, but I feel less and less alone, now that I feel my presence as the greatest… what can I say? So I felt under an “obligation” to make myself happy, to satisfy my wishes…I’ve said it a million times that I still believe in loving her, yes…and I’ve decided that I’ll go on like this, perhaps until my death. to stay consistent with myself.
I’ve always apologized, I’ll do it again, I don’t know if you’ll read these things… but the speech isn’t dedicated directly to you.
But having met a “new woman”, I understood that I was finally “cured” from the previous … “madness”.
But thanks for everything, you too, I’ve often thought of you, I still do a little, but I know that this too has faded.
Happy new year to you, too.
Happy New Year to all those who have been part of it, in this 2022, even those who will not stay on my journey, on this train, on this ship…
But actually stay because I learned something from you, but it took a different form.
I would love to know, really. I would love to talk to you again without problems. But by now I know how utopian that is.
In my opinion you have also stopped reading what I write, I feel freer. Yes. after all, that last fight served both of us. Have you seen? Just get pissed in a definitive way to close and feel better, free.
You seem to be better off than me, as much as I see you in the photos, I see you very little now. I see you smiling, you look better than me,
but if I have my say, I must say that I’m happy, yesterday I saw you in another video, laughing happily, celebrating your birthday. Can I have my say? Will you allow me a second?
I must say that for the first time in a long time I was pleased to see you smile, before I felt a weight on my heart, now I don’t. And it was beautiful, you know?
Then I also wanted to tell you that even if I think of you, I no longer feel that pain, or that “desire”. Yes, if I’m allowed to be direct and sincere, I’ve stopped wanting you even in the most physical sense.
I hope no one is shocked when I say well.
I masturbate differently.
What to say? I always thought you were so beautiful, and as a lover, I liked to imagine making love with you, right?
Crazy stuff, I know, I know. If you’d ever gotten to this point, you might already have found the perfect “excuse” to quit. To think again that I have psychological problems.
I actually had them, I’ve had them for a long time.
You seem to be better off than me.
But you see, seeing you happy did my heart good, and it’s nice to be happy for people who at least seem happy.
And happiness is the best birthday present anyone can have,
I have been celebrating it for a long time, I feel worse and worse,
because I had to start working on myself, to find my freedom, my self-esteem, my autonomy.
It was difficult, it was tiring. Because I thought I really made you suffer, I started walking, I cried, I felt so much pain.
Something no one will ever know, not even you.
Even today if they mention the Radio to me, my heart takes a somersault, I pretend to joke about it but the truth is that being ironic about suffering always brings you that sense of bewilderment,
because it’s like laughing when you’re hurt, you do it while feeling pain.
You suffer a little, in happiness, because we know that life always gives us a good hit, and a bad one, it’s balance.
At least I think so, who now talk to people who have suffered like me, who seem to understand me, who know how to listen to me,
now I no longer want to go out with those I confided in before, now that after having stopped feeling bad, I realize that I was talking to people who didn’t understand, who also contributed to my suffering, after all.
I think I’ll go out less these parties, as I’m already doing. The others seem to enjoy wandering around these clubs forever, drinking.
I am tired, also because I no longer hear speeches that enrich me.
What the fuck did I do Ste? I’ve been talking to the wrong people for a long time, but in the end it wasn’t even easy to figure it out, now that I finally understand who I am, now that I finally understand what to do, my true nature.
Ste, I’m finally myself, and it’s as if I wasn’t before, not even when I was fond of you. But where is the truth? Perhaps it was a me who succeeded, the one today has so much difficulty doing it,
After all, how do you fall in love? It seems that I have somewhat forgotten it, by dint of being without it.
I wanted you to come back just to remind myself of having that feeling, which now feels so… barren.
But now I think differently, you know, I wanted to at least try to think of you as a friend, and I succeeded. So, you know, if the miracle ever happens that we talk to each other again, I could be your friend without any double purpose, let’s say. Although, well, even before I would say that it was so, even if only in part.
But you see, the fact that today I manage to be so happy for you smiling is already a sign for me, yes, that I love someone without having to be with you, as I do with many friendships that never happen to me again. to see, or in any case less than in the past.
Like the ones in Bologna, you know.
I still daydream about that city,
you seem to feel so comfortable here, in this city that I hate, where, however, once upon a time, I thought that if I had been with you, I would have gladly stayed.
You seem to be better than me,
it almost seems that you just need to block those who annoy you to move forward, it seems that you have forgotten me by now, shelved me, and you did well, so it must be done, I agree.
So I too went a little further, trudging, weaker and weaker, knowing my sufferings better and better than even if I wrote and described them millions of times in millions of different ways… whoever listens to them still wouldn’t understand them well, only I can to do it.
And I can’t forget you, after all it was the strongest experience, now, thanks to you I have conquered myself, you gave me the most important thing in life,
I don’t think I will ever be able to tell you live, even if the miracle happens, we will leave our past behind…
but thank you, Stef, from the bottom of my heart.
So happy birthday, best wishes, from the bottom of my heart.
You seem to be better off than me, I hope you really are, I hope you’re not in the middle of balls, I hope no one else makes you suffer, I know that to avoid doing it, by now, you “only” have to pay attention to who you hang out with.
Lo scrittore Volante 