I should have thought about a lot of things first. I should have known how to stop, before writing so many things, before this malaise escaped from me, like a hemorrhage that was impossible to stop.

Now it seems to me that the blood has stopped, I don’t know if I’m healing, or if the body is bled out.

Only now is it easy for me to think about many things, which were better done before, but at a time when it was not easy for me to think differently.

I should have thought about it before keeping certain things inside, maybe even avoiding writing them, well, only now can I think about making peace.

But it wasn’t easy.

Now I can speak like this, full of regrets, because it was these experiences that made me understand so many things.

I have few weapons, I have little in hand, I can try to take the little good left, to go back to making friends with those who seem to be willing to bury the hatchet.

But with someone, it seems that there is still, the cold one.

Do you know what? Paradoxically, I can say that with THE FEMALE ONE there could / could be greater potential for friendship than other girls I liked.

In short, with THE FEMALE ONE, I was doing my best to have a relationship with him, I was talking to him, I was joking, it wasn’t all a courtship and an admiration.

I really wanted to confide in myself, to do something else. It had never happened to me to share like this with other people, or to make them laugh, or laugh so much together.

Having fun, spontaneously.

Yes, what I mean is that it was not mere attraction, for this reason I say and I think that with HER a relationship of friendship was / is possible.

Sure, where do I want to go now?

After everything that’s happened, I really think I’ve been stamped for life. It seems to me quite useless now to hope that something like this could ever be possible.

Of course, in life you never know. Nothing is taken for granted, let’s say it is unlikely.

We’re still talking about someone who pushed me away, blocked me and really said things that leave very little room for hope.

In this ruined situation, I would like to benefit from a miracle.

I should have thought about it first.

I was not strong in the face of difficulties, stress, pressure.

I was not cold, perhaps, I was a “victim” of my emotions, even if I don’t like to define myself as such.

The strength of them was really too great.

It is too late to say: “sorry, I exaggerated”. Or maybe not? However, there remains something to say between me and me … and the reader.

Too late to say I’m sorry about everything? That I didn’t have the slightest intention of ruining something, of frightening?

Too late to say that I was happy with my time together anyway?

Too late to say “shall we remain friends?” or anything else?

Unfortunately, this was the time it took me to heal.

And to do that I did all that bullshit, I learned from it.

And now, I know I’d like to learn more, yes: go beyond a limit.

Beyond the limits of my feeling, of emotion, and being able to hope to have a completely new experience, that is: to be able to try to be friends with whoever all this chaos has happened.

And since I am one who is “excited” by new experiences and knowledge, I would not be looking forward to it.

And it is not optimism, being “dreamers” and all these things here … it is simply possible.

I never wanted to ruin our knowledge,

the end of the cold war and the demolition of our Berlin walls.


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