I hurt Myself today, to see if I still feel.
Sometimes, you experience emotions so intensely that when your body and mind somehow reach the end, you feel emptied.
It is really difficult to live as before. The days are a copy of the other, in which it really seems that we are locked up in a loop.
And after having heard so much, it no longer happens that you feel anything.
You start thinking that even if some of the people you know were to leave, you wouldn’t really feel anything.
Since, of many of them, you are tired of them. Of many of those you have given names, surnames, faces.
I focus on the pain The only thing that’s real
Now there is nothing that excites me anymore, nothing in particular that makes me think: “come on, tomorrow there are beautiful things to do, to live”. No, always the same thoughts, always the same feelings.
Every day, I always think of the same things, to ward off boredom, anger, pain.
Surviving, against everything that has happened to me, in this slow growth and maturation, made more of awareness of disappointment, by now I know that many things are over, nothing will be the same as before.
Many things that first gave me life, now, I do almost by force. I only have one duty, and that’s what I have to do, to get to the point where I can be alive again.
Try to kill it all away, But I remember everything
They say that things pass, that things are small, that everything is elusive, that everything is dust… maybe it really is.
I remember everything that has happened to me, or at least the things I care about. I still have feelings for people who have long since disappeared from my life.
Every so often I still think of a schoolmate from long ago, the first person for whom I felt intense love. Who knows what happened to it …
Her name is Arianna, I had attributed my ideal as a woman to her, at least from a character point of view. And it was from her that I got the first idea of what triggered my falling in love.
We have never been together and I haven’t seen her in a long time. A little bit, however, I saw it again in subsequent people. At least she, however, never treated me badly.
Every now and then I think about it, I’d like to talk to each other again, make friends. I also tried it the only time I saw her again, she was with a dear friend of mine, Cecilia.
In some mood, the feelings don’t end, they just transform.
After all, a scientist said: “nothing is created, nothing is destroyed, everything is transformed”.
I would ask this old friend of mine to reappear, but I know that nothing and no one ever does.
Unfortunately, this miracle was never granted to me.
What have I become, my sweetest friend?
But the moments in which these things existed now seem a distant memory.
I don’t feel much now.
I wonder, at a certain point, if it was me, with my character, my personality, perhaps too passionate, perhaps a little naive, perhaps too dynamic, with these mood swings, passing from the rational to the sentimental, trying to get out of my monotony, coldness and cynicism.
These things that in recent times have been defined by others as positive… scare me; They make me feel less alive, which is why I try to feel something, but …
Everyone I know goes away In the end
That’s life? Continuously there are new contacts, new bonds, then they fall apart, take on other identities, push you away, you go away, when you understand that the situation is doing you more harm than good.
In the end I find myself more alone than in company,
I wonder if I’m really the one who “ruins everything it touches”, or if it’s simply the fact that I have this tendency to change, want to constantly evolve, to the point of caprie that I can never stay too long in one place, or in a situation, unable to please and adapt.
Or maybe, I don’t know.
I’m the first to never want anything conflicting, yet in the end things happen, clearly it’s my fault too.
And you could have it all, My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
In short, as much as I am considered a good person, and I try to be, to always become the best version of me … in the end I know that I am not above anything or anyone.
There is no better point of view, there is no true objectivity, they are all points of view, they are different truths.
In the end, I only have the certainty that it’s just me, the one who knows each other better than anyone else, it’s only me who can give himself the answer, and tell himself who he is.
No one, not even the best of friends will ever have an idea of what I am, of what I have lived, I am the only living being who is with me 24 hours a day.
Nobody knows us better than ourselves, nobody can say more than me, about me. this is the only certainty I have.
So, you know how it is … if someone outside of you has the presumption that they have understood you more than you have understood yourself … it is normal for you to stop and think: << with whom the hell am I talking to?Are these supposed to be friends? They tell me what they are, the truth is that no one has understood FUCKING NOTHING>>.
I wear this crown of thorns Upon my liar’s chair, Full of broken thoughts, I cannot repair….
And this is the problem, then I find myself without any more certainty, I got tired of every person, I realize that you can no longer be with many people, that you need something else.
And often, the only person capable of truly understanding you is only you, and it is with him that I speak.
It seems that I speak like an old man, maybe I think like an old man.
After all, “Hurt” seems like a song made by those who no longer have much time available. Yet, as always, in music, we can make our favorite songs our version.
They are ours, those songs, after all.
So even someone much younger than Cash can think certain things.
Basically, I ask only one thing, I ask to be happy.
I have done so many things, I have made so many mistakes, I have lost so many people I loved, whom I loved. There are those I will never see again, and I have done nothing but feel pain.
And it has been like this for a lifetime, but especially in recent years.
In 2018, a friend, Paradoz, died. I think this very often, several times a week. I will always remember, he died apparently on the same day as my birthday.
I will carry this pain for my entire life. And I also told some people, the same ones who then left.
And I experienced anger, frustration, dissatisfaction …
In short, I think I deserve some happiness in the end. I ask this silent God, who I hope exists, I hope he will listen to me, because I can’t take it anymore.
I was able to resist all my life, to all the things that destroyed my heart, I managed not to die.
To avoid wanting to even take my life.
I was able to survive my pain.
And I know that certain fortunes do not come to me, that what I pray for will never happen, not so easily. I find myself jealous of a friend, who at least for him, a person has come back to talk to him.
I just blocks, insults, misunderstandings.
And now, even my anger has run out, me, who took people off social media, just like they did with me.
But when I do, it’s not okay, is it?
And now, there is nothing left, if not precisely this pain, this intolerance, these days all the same.
I can hardly think of anything else, precisely because nothing else ever happens.
And nothing else is heard.
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
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