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This year was one of the worst of my life.
Despite everything, I gritted my teeth, I still grit them and go on, by now I understand that there is really nothing else to do, that there is really no other choice.
It was a year where many certainties have fallen, where by now, the list of people you can count on is getting shorter and shorter, where I stopped asking myself questions and asking “why?”, And with less and less desire to “stay” someone, less and less desire to chase, less and less desire to … “go crazy”.
And now I would just like to feel good, and I can’t really do or try to do, what would not make me feel so good.
I’ve learned that the more someone preaches “friend”, the less they are.
I learned that if one never wants to stab in the back, on the other side, there are always those who are waiting to do it to you.
I learned that there is more and more wickedness and selfishness, less and less desire to understand other people. And that if I am selfish once, the others with me always are.
This year I have teachers that true friends are those who believe you, who are close to you, do not judge you and never go away, who are the ones who hear you as soon as they can and are happy to see you.
I’ve learned that even though it seems like I’m very lonely, in truth I’m just loving myself, because I don’t put myself in situations that could hurt.
And maybe, I become more and more alone for real… but I, I want to be with those who love me, with those I love, where things are mutual.
This year he taught me that if someone has even the slightest chance of doing harm … they do it.
I have learned that there are fewer and fewer reasons to care, I have learned that those who do not want to understand you will never take a step towards you, that those who want to fight always find the excuse.
There are those who really want to fight, there are those who want their story told, there are those who are truly “evil”, who seem to want to take something from you, but they don’t even know “what”.
I learned that even if you believe in your dreams and goals, sometimes there is no determination that holds, you cannot achieve them all.
I learned that reality is like a punch in the face, that life never gives up, that it continues to strike, and that the only way to survive is to fight back.
I have learned that with the passage of time, however, the energy to fight is less and less.
I learned that the world never looks you in the face, at most it spits at you.
I learned that there is also too much selfishness, that everyone pretends to be good people, until you are good for them, and then, they turn away, never having the balls to tell you why, simply … disappear. And you, in those cases, get away worse than them.
I learned that then, you get tired of explaining,
And I’ve learned to stop looking for them.
I learned that I always waste time justifying myself, trying to keep my friendship, when, in truth, I had to think about keeping whoever manages to stand by me, despite my flaws, my mistakes.
Then, I learned that I have to rely on myself first, then possibly others.
And I learned that if you grow slowly, it can happen a year, or a year and a half where you grow a lot, because so many things happen together.
That the times were ripe for life, to change.
It happened so fast that I don’t even understand. I only know, that I have been beaten, and I only know that I have been deceived. I only know that life is going as it should, and that in short, you know, you have to “try to live”.
The wind rises,
then, you die.
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