Now I’m getting older, so it would seem, but it’s also so obvious, after all. 33 years old now, I feel so tired, I’m so tired of so many things.
Above all to suffer, and this is how I withdraw into myself, and I can’t always stand it, just as I don’t like to find myself cynical, just like “she expected me to be”, but why should I be? It scares me, it even disgusts me from certain aspects, from certain points of view.
Finding yourself feeling nothing or pretending is terrible, in the long run you realize that maybe you’re misbehaving, or playing stupid about things that matter.
Yet within me the imperative is created:
“I don’t want to suffer anymore like I did before, I don’t want to feel these pains anymore, no. I want to stop feeling bad, especially for things that are not worth it”.
Ultimately, however, it was worth it. The problem is that pain often becomes stronger than anything, it’s difficult to have optimism, hope, especially when you get to a certain point in your life and you think you’ve seen it more black than other colors.
And what can I say about Lamezia? This city I was born in, still walk in, but can’t wait to leave?
I don’t love this place, because I know that the mentality of many people has hurt me, traumatized me and made the task of loving, of working on myself, of loving myself very difficult, and yes, I’m happy to love myself, to understand me better than before, at most, but I bullshit, I would have liked to live in love.
What is left for me to think now, if not “who knows what it would have been like if I had made different choices?”
It’s easy to say and think: “ah better I haven’t been there with that B**ch” (as now only some “my friends” define her, but I NEVER).
Eh but me with that b***ch? I wanted to stay with that Person, at least I would have liked to have a relationship, that is, the thought comes to mind: “Yes, I have grown up, matured, in some respects I am a better person, but…
But shit, I wanted more.
But what do you want? Maybe it’s me getting old, now I have my ideas and beliefs, like many grown people, now I have entrenched ideas, I’m still pissed at this place, I almost want revenge, but I really won’t, I’m not a vengeful person.
I don’t know, I think I didn’t do things right (now it’s easy to think so), just as I think I suffered undeserved punishments, more for the way I am than for the actions I do.
By now I have my political ideas, I am a person with a role to fill, like an actor on a stage, I am between the nuances of those who see me “acting” and between who I am alone, a person who seems to change, almost as if I have multiple personalities.
I don’t treat anyone the way I treat myself.
In all those moments in which I find myself being alone, talking to myself, those moments in which I have to commit myself to fighting against my fears, my paranoia, the faults I give myself, and which I then realize not have.
They say you have to be strict with yourself, it was the worst advice they ever received: being strict leads you to destroy self-esteem, because you are the first to destroy yourself, always.
Me realizing that I have chased shadows, things that have priority importance only in appearance: the society that wants you married, with a job, in fact, a role…but then you think that you are fine without it, because life cannot be just that.
Because you would live and die under the shadow of other people, of other things: you would never be able to look at your own.
And maybe I think so because I’ve learned to be enough for myself, you have to manage in this life, if it doesn’t go the way you want.
I would have liked to love you,
I would have liked to give this love to someone, who as nice as it is to feel it for me, in the end, just takes a big turn around.
I feel like saying that I also believed in a god, that I prayed to him continuously to change this situation, but nothing.
And I know that you shouldn’t force anything, that I was doing a lot of things wrong… but I also know that you can’t tell me that “it’s not worth suffering” for these things, in the end you are always the first person who knows what it’s worth doing one thing or the other,
that goes for you too, person.
Who knows how people get this way, deep down? We are afraid of feeling bad and therefore we think that nothing exists anymore, love is an illusion.
It’s all opaque, so we shut down, looking for what? Trying to believe that you only have to live one way.
You find yourself the rich person, and you think you’re okay for life.
Social media, famous people, whom we envy, made us burnt out, making us believe that we had to become like them.
I thought the same too, and deep down I know that I would have had the possibilities that according to many I could not have, such as being with the person, for futile reasons.
The truth is, I would have succeeded, and part of me wishes something would happen to prove it, even for the sake of showing how wrong they are about me.
“Friends”, yes, friends who tell you that you are incapable of doing those things you care so much about.
Cursed reality, you are stronger than anything, and you crush us hard.
But in the end, if you are so powerful, you also make it clear that we are not all Cristiano Ronaldo, that being Paolo Pileggi is fine with me.
I want to keep dreaming, I want to change the reality that crushes me every day.
I free myself from all these negative thoughts and wonder if it is more important to love or to be free.
I want to feel free, I want to fight for my freedom, I want to feel free to think, and to do it with my head, listening to other points of view, but I want to be free to love, I also want to say it to myself, who often tells me who is sick, because he thinks of the person, I want to stop feeling this type of pain.
Because I know they are caused by lack of freedom:
the freedom to have the power to do something about it to change things, instead of swallowing this fucking overwhelming reality.
Lo scrittore Volante 